A Woman’s Need - Glenn Conjurske

A Woman’s Need

by Glenn Conjurske

The one great need of every woman’s heart is to be loved. In that love she finds the security which she also craves. This appears plainly in the heart-struggles of the unwanted Leah in Genesis 29:31-34. “And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben, for she said, Surely the Lord hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me. And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the Lord hath heard that I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon. And she conceived again, and bare a son: and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi.” And though we may see some spiritual advance in her when the fourth son was born, whom she called Judah, saying, “Now will I praise the Lord,” yet it plainly enough appears in this account that her rejection by her husband was the uppermost thing in her consciousness, while year followed year—-and she had years enough in which to rue the day in which she submitted to her father’s requirement, deceived Jacob, and wronged her sister Rachel, all directly in the teeth of righteousness. In so doing she put herself in a place where she could never be satisfied, for her own heart must crave to be loved. This is the woman’s nature, as God created it.

And in this, as in all else, the woman is the perfect complement of the man. Her need is the perfect complement of his need. The man’s need is not to be loved, but to love—-not to receive love, but to give it—-not to find security, but to provide it—-though he may never perceive any such need in himself until he falls in love with one woman. But it is certainly true that where the woman’s deepest craving is to be loved, it is the deepest craving of the man who loves her to lavish that love upon her, and so move her to trust in his love, and find her security and happiness in it. In all of this the masculine and feminine natures are a most apt and beautiful picture of Christ and the church, but I do not intend to speak here of what is spiritual, but of what is purely natural. This I do without apology, for these matters are of very great importance, even for spiritual reasons.

Because the deepest need of every woman is the exact complement of the deepest need of every man, it behooves every woman to be very careful what she does with her need. Some women are very well aware that the display of their bodily form is a great snare to a man’s heart, and this knowledge lays upon them the responsibility to conceal their form rather than displaying it. But women should understand that the need of their hearts is a greater snare to a man than the form of their bodies. A woman who displays her body sends indeed a fiery dart to the hearts of the men who see her, but the effects of this may be transient. A woman who displays her heart’s need to a man sends an arrow of Cupid to his heart, which is likely to be firmly lodged there. It is just here that pastors and counsellors are often taken in the trap of love. When a woman has been abused, or jilted, or neglected, or unloved, or unwanted, this goes very powerfully to the heart of a man, begetting in him a strong desire to love and cherish her, and to make it all up to her.

It is natural enough for an abused or neglected woman to go to a trusted counsellor for the sympathy which she so desperately craves, but in so doing she lays a great snare for his heart. She ought to deny herself, and rather be as careful to conceal her heart’s need from men as she is (or ought to be) to conceal her body. It is natural enough also for men to desire to listen to tales of woe from neglected women, and while this may appeal strongly to the spiritual nature of a godly man, it will also appeal strongly to his masculine nature, and the man has as much responsibility to deny himself here as the woman has. A woman has a responsibility not to display her body, but if she ignorantly (or indeed purposely) does so, it becomes the man’s responsibility not to feast his eyes upon her. A woman likewise has a responsibility not to ensnare a man’s heart by the display of her feminine need, but if she does so, it becomes the man’s responsibility not to feast his heart upon it. Men who do not understand these matters may easily be taken in the trap of love ere ever they are aware.

The pastor or counsellor who understands whitherto these feminine tales of woe will tend ought simply to forbid the woman to tell them. He may gently but firmly tell her that it is dangerous for a woman to speak of such things to a man—-that if she must unburden her heart on such themes, she ought to do so to a woman. A woman, however, may be little inclined to speak of such things to another woman. She may find it more satisfying to pour out her heart to a man, and she may find the sympathy she receives from him more satisfying than any she might receive from another woman. But if so, these very facts ought to warn her that the ground she is on is dangerous, if not illicit.

But there are times when it is perfectly legitimate for a woman to display her heart’s need to a man—-if she is single and marriageable, and so is he. But caution is in order here also, not so much for his sake as for her own. The display of a woman’s need is a very powerful tool by which to secure the love and care of a man, but the woman who uses her heart’s need to that end may in fact secure less than her heart needs. Her need is that a man should be in love with what she is. But mark, she needs to be loved for what she is in herself, and not merely for what she has in common with all other women. In the latter she can find no satisfaction or security at all. All women have the same need to be loved, and the woman who uses that need to secure a man’s heart may not have secured it to herself at all, but only to feminine need. His heart is powerfully possessed by her need, and it becomes his passion to love and cherish her. But when he has dried her tears and satisfied her heart, he may find that she does not then possess the same charm as she did when she was crying as it were on his shoulder. He may find her as boring happy as she was appealing sad, and she may find that he is not in love with her at all, but only with feminine need. This may not be a total disaster, for she will have plenty of need with which to ply his heart, but their marriage is likely to resemble a roller coaster, and neither of them be fully or permanently satisfied.

A woman, then, ought to exercise restraint in displaying her need. A knowing woman may purposely use that need to take a man’s heart. The naive woman may do the same instinctively. The wise woman may use her heart’s need to strengthen the bond of love, but not to create it.

Glenn Conjurske